Published January 17, 2025 by Nicole Dieckman
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In a moment of frustration with my husband, I decided to step outside, take a breather, and do something productive: pick up the dog poo in the backyard and play ball with our dogs. They loved me unconditionally, or so I thought. As I went about the task, tossing the ball for them and cleaning up the mess, I had an epiphany. My dogs don’t love me unconditionally. In fact, they love me because I take care of them, play with them, feed them, walk them, and offer them affection. Their love is based on the actions I take to care for them—and, in turn, their care for me.
This realization led me to a deeper question: Do we really want unconditional love?
What Does “Unconditional Love” Mean?
The term “unconditional love” is often seen as the pinnacle of emotional connection, a love that endures despite flaws, mistakes, and changes. It’s the kind of love we wish to receive, especially from close relationships—whether from a partner, family member, or friend. The idea is that someone will love you no matter what you do, a love that transcends circumstances and personal failings.
However, what if this idea of “unconditional love” is more myth than reality? And if it is, does that make love any less valuable?
Love Based on Actions and Effort
As I stood there with the dogs, picking up their mess, it became clear to me that their love is not unconditional in the way society often romanticizes it. They love me because I care for them. I feed them, I play with them, I walk them, and I’m there for them when they need attention. Their love, in essence, is transactional—but not in a negative way. It’s based on the relationship we’ve built through consistent care and attention.
This realization is important because it suggests that the love we desire isn’t actually unconditional—it’s love rooted in effort and intention. We want to be loved for who we are, but who we are is shaped by what we do.
When we look at the people we love most—whether friends, family, or partners—it’s often not some vague, all-encompassing love. It’s a love that’s based on specific experiences, shared history, and mutual respect. For example, my best friend, could do anything, and I wouldn’t love her any less. I would take a bullet for her. But why do I love her so deeply? It’s not because she is perfect. It’s because she has been there for me through the darkest times, because we’ve spent endless hours discussing life’s mysteries, and because she has shown me care, vulnerability, and loyalty. These are the reasons I love her.
Conditional Love: A Deeper Understanding
The term “conditional love” often gets a bad reputation, but in reality, most of the love we experience is conditional in some form. A partner’s love is often based on trust, shared values, and mutual support. We don’t want love for no reason at all. Instead, we want love that recognizes our efforts, our character, and our journey. We want people to love us because of the hard work we put into life—because of who we are and what we contribute to our relationships.
For example, in romantic relationships, we frequently ask, “Why do you love me?” It’s not an accusation; it’s an inquiry into the reasons behind the affection. We want to know that we’re loved for specific, meaningful qualities—whether it’s our kindness, our integrity, or our shared experiences. Love without reason, love without conditions, can feel empty or even performative.
The Myth of “Unconditional” Love in Long-Term Relationships
As relationships evolve, conditions that were once in flux become more solidified. Over time, trust and respect build a foundation so strong that it can feel like love has become “unconditional.” But in reality, these conditions have already been met. Love may appear unconditional because we’ve grown to trust that the reasons behind it will remain consistent.
For example, when someone says, “No matter what, I will always love you,” it often reflects the idea that the relationship has reached a point where the essential conditions (trust, shared experiences, mutual respect) are unshakeable. However, this doesn’t mean the love is entirely without conditions. It means the conditions have been firmly established over time.
Do We Want a Relationship Without Conditions?
This brings us to a critical question: Do we even want a relationship without conditions? The idea of unconditional love sounds beautiful, but it can also be unsettling. Do we really want someone to love us without any reasons, without any expectations or conditions? Isn’t it the conditions that make love meaningful?
Think about it: every day, we work hard to show up for the people we love, to demonstrate our commitment and care. We don’t want to be loved just because of some inherent, unchangeable quality. We want to be loved because of the person we’ve become, the efforts we put in, and the way we engage with the world.
The Power of Love Based on Conditions
In the end, it’s the conditions that make love real. Love based on mutual respect, effort, and shared values is what gives it depth and substance. Conditions don’t cheapen love—they enrich it. They provide a foundation upon which trust and affection can flourish. When we love with intention and care, we create a bond that’s rooted in real, meaningful reasons.
Instead of striving for a mythical, unconditional love, we should embrace the love that grows from effort and connection. Love that is built on understanding, shared experiences, and mutual respect is not only real—it’s the kind of love that lasts.
Conclusion: Embracing Love with Purpose
The idea of unconditional love may seem appealing, but in truth, love without reason lacks depth. We want to be loved for who we are—because of the actions, care, and effort we put into our relationships. Whether it’s the love of a partner, a friend, or even a dog, love is most meaningful when it’s built on solid, mutual conditions.
So, the next time someone tells you they love you unconditionally, remember: love with conditions is not a flaw. It’s a celebration of the hard work, trust, and care that makes relationships thrive. And ultimately, isn’t that the kind of love we all want?
PS: With Valentines day coming up, you may want to get your loved one this fill in the blank, what I love about you book to remind your significant other of the bond you share over the person they are.
PSS: Don’t forget to save our website to your homepage so you can browse all of our –The NestKeepr– articles, recipes, printables, and kid’s activities whenever you want!
Happy Nesting!
Nicole
